Four Ways He’ll Slay Your Sex Drive
When you first met your guy, his carnal charisma probably had
you breathless and purring for more. Yet, here you are, months
or years down the road, and his bedroom antics don’t quite get
the rise out of you they used to. Though studies show the
overwhelming majority of women prefer cuddling and romantic
walks to making love, this lack of sexual interest can harm your
relationship. “The only way to overcome the monotony that almost
inevitably develops in a relationship is by ensuring that your
relationship is as sexually exciting as it can possibly be,”
says Shmuley Boteach, author of Kosher Sex. “Studies show that
when a couple’s sex life becomes inviting, exciting, and
pleasurable, most of [a relationship's] peripheral problems
subside.”
However, having an explosive sex life isn’t as easy as we want
it to be. You may find that after time, your libido decreases
dramatically, almost mysteriously—you no longer look forward to
sex. Many psychologists and MD’s cite psychological or
physiological problems as chief libido killers, yet there are
many ways your guy can become the culprit stifling your desire.
So, how can you revive your sagging sex drive? Use
Couple-Me.com’s rev tactics to recognize his foreplay faux pas
and remedy them for good.
Libido Killer #1: He thinks he’s got you figured
out.
As far as he’s concerned, he knows you inside and out. He no
longer sees you as a mystery he wants to unravel. Though he
enjoys the comfort of your familiarity, he begins to take it for
granted—he is quick and to the point in bed, and makes no effort
to seduce you. In conversation, he is content with idle chatter
about money, work, and where to go to dinner. He no longer
probes you with questions about your aspirations, fears,
fantasies, or childhood memories. Why you should take
action: “Relationships die when two people no longer make
each other’s skin tingle because they’ve settled into a
routine,” Boteach warns. When two people are strangers, when
each is a mystery to the other, they are careful to keep each
other happy, aroused, and excited. In fact, at Couple-Me.com,
we’ve realized that the couples who eventually marry are those
who actively maintain the activities and interests they pursued
upon first meeting each other. Therefore, your guy’s mistaken
notion that he’s got you figured out can cause stagnation and
boredom in your relationship, and kill your libido, because he’s
no longer trying to win you over or learn more about you. If
your guy no longer attempts to strip your emotional layers, you
may lose interest in stripping his physical layers.
How to revive your sex drive: Remind your guy that you
are an eternal mystery. Consistently engage him in conversation
that leads each of you to a deeper understanding of each other.
Try posing erotic “what if” scenarios or play sensual, slightly
naughty games like strip quarters (when one of you can bounce a
quarter into the cup, the other has to strip a piece of
clothing).
Also be careful to break routine now and then. “Consider what
you did together and what you talked about during the first
three months of your relationship that made you fall in love
with each other,” says Kim Eykelboom, founder of www.Couple-
Me.com. “Bring those elements back into your relationship.”
Eykelboom also recommends occasional role reversal. If your guy
feels he knows you well, surprise him. If you are normally sexy
and secure, act shy and reserved once in a while. If he is
always the one to take sexual initiative, surprise him with your
own slightly aggressive moves. You’ll be surprised how lavishing
him with erotic attention and shaking up your routine can ignite
your libido.
Libido Killer #2: He confuses romancing you with
seducing you.
He lavishes you with roses, romances you with poetry, and
graciously attends to your every need. Because of his gentle
nature, he is crushed by your sexual disinterest because he
feels he’s done everything to ensure your love and desire. But
he confuses romancing you with seducing you. He has forgotten
how to captivate your senses with scented candles, sensual
fruits, and hot oils. He no longer whispers naughty “I’m going
to’s” in your ear, and he forsakes the gallant knight in him for
the poetic troubadour.
Why you should take action: “Men can often fall into a
‘nice guy’ syndrome. They think romance is enough, but women
need more than romance—they need the romantic seducer,” says
Eykelboom. Romance is important, but it creates fuzzy,
oh-how-sweet feelings, rather than the intense,
I-have-to-have-you-this-very-moment feelings. Having a romantic
boyfriend who is no longer passionate or seductive, can lead you
to believe your lacking interest in sex is your fault. You may
believe that your relationship is doomed, because he appears to
be the perfect boyfriend, yet you’re uninterested. Rather than
constructively improving the relationship, you result to blaming
yourself or feeling guilty.
How to revive your sex drive: If his saccharine nature
turns you off, you need to evaluate your desires to determine
what, in addition to the roses and cards, you truly want in a
lover. Take stock of your various fantasies and discern the
common theme that shows up again and again. If you often
fantasize about a man making love to you in an off-beat
location, perhaps you’d like your guy to surprise you once in a
while, rather than always initiating sex in the bedroom. Once
you realize your passion primer, reveal it in a sexy note or
write it on the steamy mirror of his bathroom for him to find
next time he takes a shower. Keep dropping little hints until he
gets a clue. Keeping it subtle means you’ll never quite know
when he’ll catch on. One day, he’ll just pounce!
Libido Killer #3: He treats you like one of the
guys.
His immaculate appearance and gentlemanly manners have vanished.
He dresses for you the way he’d dress for a kick-back day with
his buddies. He may even go so far as to constantly tease you,
calling you playful but annoying names, and routinely rough
housing with you. In bed, he may become competitive, with a
‘going for the gold’ mindset that concentrates more on his
performance than your pleasure.
Why you should take action: Though you want your guy to
be playful with you, you don’t want your only interaction to be
‘buddy talk’ and tumble sessions reminiscent of a wrestling
match on Smack Down. He likely doesn’t realize what he’s doing
and he’s simply resorting to interactions that are most
comfortable and familiar for him. However, his constant teasing
and possible competitiveness will make you feel more like one of
his buddies than his sexy girlfriend.
How to revive your sex drive: Sit your guy down and tell
him how you feel. Share with him how being treated like one of
his buddies makes you feel like just a friend. Explain that you
want to feel sexy and loved. At first, refrain from pointing out
each mistake he’s made, and don’t expect him to fix his faux pas
immediately. “A man’s ego is incredibly vulnerable when it comes
to sex and relationships,” warns Eykelboom. “A man will often
shut down or go on an extreme defensive if directly attacked.
Use ‘I feel’ language rather than ‘You did’ language, and try to
also praise him for what he does right”
If, after a couple days, he hasn’t laid off the buddy
interaction, then consider coming up with a ridiculously random
code word that you’ll mention whenever he starts treating you
like one of the guys. Choose a word you don’t normally use in
every day speech that, when spoken, will shock him for a moment
so he’ll internalize that specific moment as a ‘try not to do
this again’ situation. Using a ridiculous word like “handicap”
or “toilet seat” will take the edge off of the situation and
hopefully make you both laugh. For a sexy twist, try an erotic
code word that may just put you both in a randy mood. The key is
to be creative so that your guy feels comfortable. Let him feel
like he is choosing how to act, and that you appreciate his
effort.
Libido Killer #4: He’s a workaholic. He’s hard working,
ambitious, and financially secure. He had you swooning over him
like a grade school girl when you first met. But his job is
beginning to take priority over his relationship with you, and
he works later and later each night. He is always exhausted
after work, so he has little energy to expend on you and your
sexual needs.
Why you should take action: Even if your boyfriend is a
perfect gentleman when he’s with you, if his job takes priority
over your relationship, it can quickly kill his libido and
yours. If he works hard during the day, when he sees you at
night or on the weekends, he may be too exhausted to partake in
hours of foreplay, or in other erotic activities that elevate
your sex drive. Because his libido is easily ignited, he can
forget that yours requires more than a place and a face.
How to revive your sex drive: Get your guy (and yourself)
into the habit of slowing down when you both get home from work.
Take turns giving each other massages, and toss up your routine
at the house. If you live together, turn cooking dinner into a
fun experiment where each of you creates your own version of a
meal, and have an erotic prize for the best one. Instead of
turning on the TV, play a game of naughty nude twister or, if
you’re going to watch TV, find a show that you enjoy watching
together and make fun, erotic bets guessing what will happen in
a particular episode. If you live apart, surprise your guy at
his place with a full evening of pampering and relaxation.
But what do you do if your guy often brings work home, or works
from home? Sit with him and do your work together, like
Michelle*, 26 does. “My boyfriend recently started his own
business, and since he has to work a lot while home, we both go
to the bookstore to work or read together. We get into a lot of
deep conversations that often turn to sexy topics. Having to
whisper our naughty conversation in the bookstore turns into the
perfect foreplay. Half the time, we have to cut it short and run
home for some action!”
Also encourage him to slow down when you make love. Try using a
scarf or nylons to gently tie his hands down so that you control
the pace. Take extra care to lavish attention on each part of
his body, allowing him to experience the pleasure associated
with slow, languid love making sessions. Then, when he’s
worshipping you for your attention to his every erotic need,
give him a wink and say, “I’m glad you enjoyed it. Because next
time, it’s my turn!”
December 16 2009 07:07 pm | Hot post
